Everything's Different Now
by Julie Ann Pope
Summary: Alex Dawson learns the very painful lesson that sometimes soulmates are destined to be forever separated from each other.


**Author's Note:** This was written as an immediate reaction to 'Indefensible.' I'm bitterly disappointed, upset and angry by how they've treated the Bernie/Alex relationship, concluding it with just a single line from Cameron. Additionally, the inference that Bernie may be considering another relationship so quickly; it was clearly a special and intense relationship that Bernie had with Alex, you don't 'get over it' and be ready to move on that easily!

* * *

The staff from the combined Acute Admissions and Trauma Units at Holby City Hospital left the building by the main entrance together, jovial and buoyant from the end of another long shift. Despite the inevitable exhaustion, it had clearly been a good day, where they'd won more than they'd lost. The group continued along their way across the car park and under the watchful eye of a woman sat on a bench in dark denim jeans and a leather jacket.

She'd spotted _her_ straight away, in amongst her friends and colleagues, how could she not have done? As stunning as ever, she'd changed her hairstyle once again; a claw hair clip held it up from the back and tendrils of blonde curls cascaded over the top. The observer ran a shaky hand through her short dark locks, sucked in a deep breath and stood to follow on behind, her nerves fueling the adrenaline to move herself forward.

And then, almost as though it played itself out in front of the woman in slow motion and just to add to the impact; the blonde was wrapped up in a one armed-hug and brought to a short pause to be kissed softly on the lips. She then continued on her way, hand in hand with the woman who'd instigated the interlude.

Alex's heart sank and her pursuit of Bernie was stopped in its tracks. Then she heard the unmistakable sound of Bernie's characteristic laughter which rose above all the rest. Alex's worst fears were realised and tears sprang to her eyes. She was so engrossed in watching Bernie and the group move further away from her that she failed to hear a voice calling behind her.

"Doctor Dawson? What are you doing here?" She finally turned to face the man who had addressed her.

"I think you can call me Alex now, don't you Doctor Copeland?" She said sadly and that's when he spotted her tears.

"What's wrong?" Dom placed a gentle hand on her shoulder as Alex pointed in the direction of Bernie's retreating form. "Ahh… yes. That's relatively new, her and Serena. Didn't she tell you?" Alex shook her head; they'd not been in communication since her shift at Holby a few months ago. She had been patiently waiting for Bernie to get herself sorted out and then come to her when she was ready. Even though, when she'd said it at the time, she did half wonder if it could have been their final goodbye.

"Is she happy?" Alex's voice was choked with her tears. She looked up at Dom again as more tears fell from her eyes, her lip quivered and body shook in shock.

"Seems to be." Dom didn't feel now was a time to pass his own judgement on the situation and gave Alex the response he knew she needed to hear.

"Good." Alex steeled her jaw through her tears. "Then that's all that matters." It wasn't, not really. Alex had been left unexpectedly heartbroken all over again. There was a part of her that was angry at Bernie for treating her so badly, twice! For now, all she could feel was grief, but she knew the anger would manifest itself at some point down the line.

"What are you going to do now?" Dom enquired and wondered if she'd consider returning to the army.

"Honestly? I don't know." Naively, Alex really hadn't thought beyond the last few months of locum work. She'd rather hoped it was something that she and Bernie would discuss together, once they'd been reconciled. "The last few years of my life have been entwined with hers; as comrades, friends and then lovers. _Everything's_ different now."

"I am sorry, I really thought….." After he'd spoken with Bernie that night about how she felt about Alex, Dom had felt positive they'd work something out. Of course, he didn't really know what had happened after that; besides the whole divorce thing and the debacle over Bernie sending an incriminating email to the wrong person, which had resulted in the whole of the hospital knowing her business.

"Yeah. Me too. You know what's the worst about this?" Alex paused briefly and Dom shook his head. "That it's almost as though we never existed. There aren't any photographs, no mementoes or love letters… nothing. I've not even spoken to anyone about it, only you. She's my soulmate and I have nothing left of what we had besides memories that will fade over time. And one day, I know that I'll wake up and wonder if it ever happened at all." Alex's voice cracked and she was unable to say anymore. Dom didn't know how to respond and he could see that the former army medic was so utterly sad and defeated.

"I'm really sorry Alex but I've got to go." He'd already been running late to meet Isaac in Albie's before he had bumped into Alex.

"Of course." Dom reached out and placed a gentle hand on her forearm.

"Take care of yourself, you're always welcome here if you need to talk to someone." When they'd first met, Dom had thought her quite a tough woman because of her job and her self-assured confidence but she looked a million miles away from that right at this moment.

"Thanks. A clean break is probably best though." Alex squeezed the hand on her arm briefly in thanks and then Dom let go. "Look out for her for me will you?" Despite everything, Alex still cared deeply about Bernie and wished her well.

"Yeah, will do."

"Cheers." Alex watched as Dom headed in the direction she'd seen Bernie go, presumably to Albie's for post-shift drinks. She set off in the opposite direction on slow, shaky legs; completely different to the nervous anticipation she'd felt upon arriving here not even an hour ago. She felt numb and sucker-punched and had absolutely no idea where she was going and what she was going to do; both right now and in the future. She had felt like a vital part of her had been missing all these months and now, to know that it always would be, was devastating.

A blur of a woman rushed past Alex and disturbed her train of thought. The woman turned slightly and threw a 'sorry' in her direction. As the woman continued on her hasty journey and as Alex saw her from the back, she recognised that she was the same woman who had kissed Bernie earlier. Right then Alex knew that she was making a mistake but she couldn't help herself and made a beeline for the woman. She wasn't anyone Alex been introduced to when she'd worked that one shift at Holby a few months ago, but Dom had called her Serena just now so at least Alex knew her name.

The woman was rummaging about in her car and muttering to herself when Alex caught up to her.

"Hello." Alex began and the dark-haired woman jumped slightly, having been so engrossed in looking for whatever she was trying to find.

"Err, hello. Can I help you?" Alex scrutinised this 'Serena' for a few moments. She didn't know what to make of her really; quite different from herself, older, more refined, probably well monied and privately educated. She couldn't immediately decide whether the difference between them made it easier to accept or not.

"I saw you, just now, with Bernie." A small part of the other woman steeled herself to get defensive, an instinct she'd not had to develop until recently. But then Alex seemed to change her mind and shook her head profusely. "I... this was a bad idea, sorry." The younger woman went to walk away, frustrated at herself for being inarticulate and unsure of what she'd hoped to gain from talking to Serena.

"Are you alright?" Alex turned back around and sighed aloud. She shoved her hands in the pockets of her jeans, curling in on herself protectively and gave up being ambiguous.

"I'm Alex." She waited half a beat and when the other woman showed no sign of recognition she explained further, "Alex Dawson…" Serena clued in a split second before Alex confirmed it for her.

"Ah. Well, this is awkward." Meeting both of Bernie's exes hadn't exactly been on her bucket list but it was now done, along with a whole host of other new things she'd not consciously planned to tick off in her lifetime.

"I'm not here to…. I mean…. I didn't know, about you, until just now." That was obvious, if the crushing pain in her heart was anything to go by.

"Really?" Alex nodded her head. "I thought it was all over between you?"

"Not quite. We still had a few… loose ends." Alex was being generous for this woman's sake; she wasn't to blame for Bernie not having the courage to finish it properly.

"I'm so sorry, if I'd have known I'd never have… Bernie led me to believe you were out of the picture." Alex knew that she could stand here and debate semantics with the other woman all evening and the outcome would still be the same. She had to face the fact that Bernie had moved on, found someone else to build a life with and that she was now surplus to requirements. Better to bow out gracefully now than to cause a scene and somehow that seemed to make it hurt all the more.

"I am now, so it seems. I don't know why I came over here, I'm not really thinking straight." Serena looked at Alex with surprised eyes and a wry twitch to the corner of her mouth. Alex caught on and in a very surreal moment, both women burst out into hysterical nervous laughter. Sadly their chortling eventually gave way to more tears for Alex and the atmosphere turned sombre once again. "Take good care of her for me, she's confident and thinks she's tough but underneath it all…" Again, she choked on her words as Serena nodded in agreement.

"I know and I will. I am genuinely sorry you know." There was a part of the other woman that was beginning to feel rather guilty and she knew she'd have to sit down with Bernie and talk about this properly at some point.

"It's not your fault. Perhaps it just wasn't meant to be or we met at the wrong time? Who knows? Sorry, I've taken up too much of your time already, see you." Serena let Alex go, there was nothing she could possibly say to make this situation any better and she'd probably end up making it worse.

Alex kept her head held high as she walked away from Holby, away from the love of her life and their relationship, which was now to be consigned to the past. The way she felt right now, she didn't know if she'd ever be able get over it. How could anyone get over Major Berenice Wolfe, the supremely confident and feisty trauma surgeon? Her friend and soulmate, always and forever.


End file.
